I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
