I'm passing your future prison.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
