Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
