I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
