i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
