He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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