I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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