News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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