guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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