it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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