Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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