i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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