If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
