been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
