I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
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We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
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I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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