i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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