I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
