Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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