Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
