I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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