apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
