She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
