i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
