You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
