I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
