..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
