I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
