I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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