You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
