My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
