My room smells like vodka and shame
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
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Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
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If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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