five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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