his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
