Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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