I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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