Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
