ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
