I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
