So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
