Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
