Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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