omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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