i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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