life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
