you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
