i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Randomize
