My friends, they love my intelligence
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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