Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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