Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
