Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
