The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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