I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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