I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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