I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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