my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
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Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
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She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize