i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
