I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
