Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
