I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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