Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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