I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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