I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
